well here I am. Its been a year, but I'm here.

So much happens in a year. Honestly, truly. in the past year I've experienced a lot of important events and a lot of events that seemed important at the time, but it retrospect are insignificant and I probably don't even remember them.

To be completely honest, I've spent a majority of the last year trying to love people I didn't love. trying to glue fragments of the past together that didn't fit. I tried to put words in my own mouth so that I wouldn't have to suffer through anything alone. I suffered through months of dating Frank. A person who honestly probably never had my best interest at heart. and even though we 'loved' each other, in reality, we spent six months trying not to break up. trying to make the other person into the right fit. and to be honest, it never could have worked out. He treated me like shit. and as we tried to force something, we fought endlessly about spilling milk or not responding to a text fast enough. in high school, you can not see a person everyday. it doesn't fucking work. I am a needy person, and I'm willing to admit that. but I can not support another needy person every day. I need space. I need me time. I never respected that before the last three months. And so eventually, Frank pushed me over the edge. yeah, you read that correctly. I broke up with him. I finally fucking woke up one morning, and said 'fuck it' I told D. It only took a few minutes but it was heart wrenching. It hurt, but in such a beautiful way. it was so relieving to finally be independent after almost two solid years of being under his fucking spell. and so we finally departed. I finally got him to realize that I will never love him the way that he wants me to.

and then there was tom. and I wanted Tom to love me again. I wanted to reignite something beautiful we once shared on hot summer afternoons. I wanted to feel good about myself again. But Tom didn't love me. and we broke up.

and thus began the three month healing process. letting go of every small piece of my ex's. I slowly allowed myself to stop analyzing how everything COULD have gone differently. how I COULD have acted. I accepted that it doesn't really matter because it... it just doesn't matter. I really hate to use the 'only seventeen' line, so I won't. in fact, I refuse because that's NOT why it doesn't matter. it doesn't matter because they weren't right. there were pieces of each person that drove me fucking insane. and so now that's all gone. I'm over all the past loves. (infatuations)

start off the new year refreshed. its about fucking time.